Wanting, needing and deserving to be spanked

My partner spanks me because I want to be spanked. There's usually a specific reason, but it's more of an excuse, and my spankings are never pure punishment because I deserve to be spanked. There are also times, which he's beginning to recognise, when I need to be spanked, as a way of dealing with certain emotions in me.

The question which haunts me is exactly how I would behave if he forced a spanking on me when I really, really didn’t want it; when I really, really wasn’t in the mood. I know this happens to some women all the time if they’ve given blanket consent, and it forms an intrinsic part of the dynamic of their relationship.

But how would it work with me? Would I feel so violated that I packed my bags and left? Would it drive me underground to where he couldn't reach me? Would it adjust my attitude and do me good? Would I find it a turn-on in retrospect? I really have no idea.

I’m aroused by the idea of submitting unwillingly to a man’s authority, but at the same time I wonder whether my feelings of rebellion would be so great that it would be a negative experience, possibly with negative consequences.

My partner’s reluctant to take the risk – he doesn't in fact want to give me serious disciplinary spankings at all – so I’m not likely to get the chance to experiment with my own reactions. Which leaves me in the dark as to whether my attraction to domestic discipline is just theoretical or whether it actually represents a need which I’ve not been able to fulfil.